For years, writer and reviewer Dries Muus (36) beat around the bush. Until he realised he could, or rather had to, use a major event in his own life for his debut novel The anomaly.
Stiff
Two accomplished manuscripts ended up in the trash before the debut novel by Parole-reviewer Dries Muus saw the light of day. But third time's the charm, and after years of hard work is The anomaly now a reality after all: a coming-of-age novel about Matty, son of a single mother, who sees his dream of a football career go up in smoke when clubmates suspect he harbours feelings for boys. Matty becomes the target of harassment, in the football world and at school.
A bold theme for a debut novel: homosexuality and homophobia in football. Why did you choose such a taboo subject?
'On the stories in the magazine Hard grass na, you don't come across the world of football as a background much in fiction. Whereas, to my mind, it holds so much potential: conflicts, tension, dreams, ambitions. As a football fan myself, I would like to read a book in which all that comes naturally, so that's why I chose that background. But after a few years of writing, I noticed that I was making circumlocutions; I was writing around something. Namely around what my protagonist experiences in the book: being caught with a boner in the shower in the locker room and being accused of being gay. I experienced that myself on my football team.'
What happened?
'I was 15 and incredibly happy to be in the selection team, the highest attainable in our youth section. I had dreamt of that for a long time. I had just been playing there for a month or two, when within my team and later at the club the story started circulating that Dries had had a hard-on while in the shower with his teammates. 'Gay!'
Hormones
'That story was widely picked up. When we played away at other clubs, gay remarks were made. You could feel that everyone thought: oh yes, this is the team with the guy who had a hard-on in the shower. Even at school people gossiped about me and laughed at me. It took months before the fuss died down a bit.
How did you deal with that?
'As a 15-year-old, hormones were coursing through my body; all it took was an attractive girl walking by, or my body would react. From a young age, I was also constantly in love with girls, so I didn't even really doubt my orientation, but I didn't know at all how to deal with all the comments. It seemed better not to react, so as not to add insult to injury. So I pretended that the bullying didn't affect me. It was an intense and lonely time for me, certainly not the best period of my life.'
'So when I moved from my hometown of Utrecht to Amsterdam to study, I felt immensely relieved. As if I could only now leave this episode behind me, also physically. I didn't talk about it with my new friends, because I was still very embarrassed that I had been bullied. I didn't want to write about it at all - anything but that. Until I noticed that something was missing in the book, a certain sting or core. The story just didn't come alive.
Because there was too little of yourself in it?
'I think so, yes. I began to realise that maybe it wasn't entirely healthy for me not to share this experience with anyone. It was exciting to write about it, but it did give me a feeling I didn't know from all the years before: now something was really at stake. Funnily enough, that also made the writing easier. I had stumbled onto the heart of the story.'
Why is homosexuality and homophobia among footballers such a taboo subject?
'In women's football, homosexuality is more accepted and many female professional footballers, up to the very highest levels, are openly lesbian. But men's football is a macho world, where homosexuality is seen as something laughable and shameful. If a few male professional footballers came out of the closet, it would make a big difference. But there is literally not one male professional openly gay.'
Habit
When I sit in the stands, 'homo' is the most frequently used swear word and you often hear it on the pitch as well. I don't think it's always based on real homophobia, it's more an ingrained habit. But of course a footballer thinks twice before coming out of the closet.
How did that bullying affect you?
'I see a clear "before" and "after". Before that, I was an open, cheerful and spontaneous guy. But that changed: I stopped playing football, became introverted and no longer felt comfortable in groups. My little brother Lykele was at the same school and was aware of it, but I kept it hidden from my parents for years. I didn't want them to worry and feel sad about me, so I didn't want them to find out. I felt scared and embarrassed, because I felt like the whole of Utrecht was watching me. So I was constantly on my guard; I wasn't allowed to do anything weird, because any social misstep could be used against me. I still do.'
In what way?
'There are remnants of shame in me, and I still don't feel comfortable in groups. It also bothered me in my social interactions for a long time; any kind of social interaction gave me tension. I was hyper-self-conscious and constantly had a critical chorus in my head, so to speak, that did not approve of anything I did. I went into therapy to address this, and that helped. Then I also told friends for the first time. An important step, which made it possible to write about it.'
How exciting is it to share this story with a wider audience now?
'It feels like a huge relief that the book is here, after I spent 12 years working on it, taking all kinds of wrong turns and overcoming obstacles. But to be honest, I also find it terrifying. It's still not something I talk about easily or relaxed, though I think it's the right thing to do. Who knows, maybe my book can make a small contribution to some more openness. Because I think it's an important topic: homophobia and, in a broader sense, how an individual can be sidelined by a collective.'
'But most of all, I wanted it to be a good, exciting novel. So my protagonist Matty is not a one-to-one version of me. Matty's mother and his trainer also had to become characters in their own right. Because even though I wove my own story into it, this book is ultimately fiction.'
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