'I had thought beforehand that this night would end with sex, and felt I deserved it.' Tom Stranger and Thordis Elva co-wrote a book about rape

His heart skipped a beat in 2005 when he saw an email arrive from his former Icelandic girlfriend. The mail revealed a truth that Tom Stranger had tried to push away for years: he had raped his girlfriend Thordis Elva. Their equally shocking and courageous story, Elva and Stranger shared in a TEDx lecture and a joint book, 7200 seconds - the duration of the act that changed both their lives forever.

The date is forever etched in his memory: 17 December 1996. The then 18-year-old Australian exchange student Tom Stranger (now 40) went to a Christmas ball with his 16-year-old girlfriend Thordis Elva. Because she was drinking alcohol for the first time, she became deathly ill that night. Stranger brought her home, and groped her. Years later, Elva sent him an e-mail to confront him with the consequences of his act. There followed years of correspondence and a week-long meeting in Cape Town to find understanding and forgiveness.

Selfishness

'Still, after all these years, I am analysing that night. What I did, how I then tried to deny it, how I tried to excuse myself and what that excuse was based on. Several emotions played a role that night. In the book, I describe how I abandoned Thordis that night at the party while she was ill; I underestimated how bad she was and left her to the care of a friend for a while before finally taking her home. I was bummed because this was the only Christmas gala I would experience during my study exchange. Maybe this translated into anger, but I think I was mostly self-centred. I had thought beforehand that this night would end with sex, and felt I deserved it. Even though Thordis was unable to give consent, I took what I felt I was entitled to. It was all about my lust and selfishness and I lost sight of her well-being and boundaries.'

Would this have happened even if I hadn't been drunk that night? Let me start by saying that alcohol is never an excuse, but I am pretty sure I would not have done this if I had been sober. That is no justification, but the alcohol did affect the state of mind I was in that night. I was in a difficult period. At that time, I was suffering a lot from homesickness. In Iceland, it was dark 24 hours a day and I had no place where I felt comfortable. That all played a part - I'm sure if I had felt good, I wouldn't have hurt someone I loved so much.'

Horror

'Thordis never sued me; the moment she once really realised what had happened to her, I was already back in Australia. But when she sent me that first email in 2005, I felt a sickening mixture of recognition and horror. I saw myself reflected in the details she described and it evoked memories I had hidden deep away. It forced me to face the fact that what I had done was nothing short of rape - and that I had therefore been capable of it. Because of what Thordis told me, I began to see how much pain and damage I had caused, and that this had been affecting her for nine years. The trauma I had inflicted on Thordis had led to even more violence and eating disorders.'

Meeting

'We spent years emailing each other about the events and their aftermath. We finally met in Cape Town in 2013. Talking about it in person was many times harder than writing to each other, but also more profound and meaningful. Even after eight years of emailing, I could only fully grasp the extent of the pain I had caused her when we sat across from each other. In the end, that week of conversations led to both of us being able to let go. Not by distancing ourselves from the past, but by working through everything, down to the smallest details. By really acknowledging: this is what I did, I take responsibility for that. Through our conversations, I unravelled the differences between self-pity, shame and guilt.'

Self-hatred

'I find the fact that I denied to myself for a long time what I had done frustrating and shameful, even though I now understand that it was more or less a form of self-protection to suppress certain memories. I had violated a social agreement and done something unimaginably damaging. Not for nothing does rape rank alongside murder and paedophilia - it is one of the worst crimes. It pulls down the idea of who you are. Only by pushing my memories more or less away could I go on living as the Tom Stranger I had always thought I was: a nice and good boy. But deep down, I hated myself for years. Until a few years ago, I couldn't enter into a meaningful relationship as a result. I finally told my parents, family and friends in 2011. Besides being shocked, something fell into place: suddenly we understood why I often brooded or lost myself in reckless or self-harming behaviour. I lost many friends and family members because of it. I understand that. I discredited my rather recognisable family name. For my loved ones, this still has consequences.'

Humanising

'People sometimes ask me if I see myself as a rapist. To say no would be factually untrue; I raped Thordis. The problem often with discussions about this is that it dehumanises the perpetrator himself, so to speak, labelling him a monster who should be locked up. The uncomfortable thing about talking about rape is precisely that we need to humanise those who exhibit sexually damaging behaviour, and see them as brothers, fathers. Because rape is a crime committed in most cases by an acquaintance of the victim. It is an act underlying choices and beliefs that we need to get to the bottom of in order to change them. The perpetrators are people with a childhood and upbringing, a particular relationship to violence - not just sexual violence - and socio-cultural ideas about male values and norms, about the value of women. It is important to talk about that. Without understanding, we cannot learn from it. Then we all lose.'

Stigma

'The process of talking, exploring and trying to reach forgiveness proved to be healing for Thordis and me. This created the idea that it was worth coming out with it. Precisely because this topic encounters so much silence and stigma, and because you rarely hear from the perpetrator. As a youth worker, I have seen what it means to live with trauma, and with this I want to make my contribution to improvement. I am approached for talks with researchers, lawyers, social workers working on so-called 'restorative justice', conversations between perpetrators and victims. And by men struggling with self-responsibility.'

Responsibility

'Even though it was over twenty-two years ago, it is never easy to talk about that night. My presence makes others feel uncomfortable. What keeps me going is that I don't want other young men to follow in my footsteps and for other women to have to go through what Thordis went through. That is why I think it is important to be open and honest. This is reflected in all the emails I receive from women from different countries who write that it was healing for them that an offender takes responsibility and openly admits what he did. That is one of the good things that have come out of my conversations with Thordis and our book.'

Forgiveness

'Whether I was ultimately able to forgive myself? Yes, in a way I did. It would also have been disrespectful to Thordis if not, since she was capable of forgiveness. I am not at peace with it and I will carry this with me forever. But now it is no longer the case that my whole day is coloured negatively by it. Talking about it will always be difficult, but I do it because I choose to. It feels like the right thing to do.'