In the year that writer and rapper Pepijn Lanen (38) became a father for the third time, he kept a diary. Vad3r is the account of an eventful and inspired time. 'I like everything about fatherhood.'
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A diary about upcoming fatherhood - you might be more likely to expect that with the arrival of a first child. But Pepijn Lanen, also known to the general public from rap formation De Jeugd van Tegenwoordig, already had a son and a daughter when he heard in 2019 that his wife was expecting the third.
'Yet that felt like new territory, like it would bring about a big change in our lives,' Lanen says. 'In 2016, when my son had just been born, we were living in America. I didn't write a letter because I wanted to stay in our little cocoon. It was a crazy year, partly because Trump was then elected president - the end of the 'old' world and the beginning of the chaos we are still in today.
In retrospect, I regret not writing anything all this time; even if it had only been a hundred words a day, it would have become a fascinating document about a special period. Thinking about that, I came up with the idea for Vad3r. I realised that such a pregnancy also formed a beautiful, self-contained narrative. That excited me as a writer and an aspiring three-time father.'
Changed
'I am so far removed from who I was before we became parents,' you write. In what ways has fatherhood changed you?
'It's not in one thing; I'm just not the same person anymore. Before I had children, I got satisfaction from short-term pleasures, like a big party or an expensive coat. I haggled against responsibility for a long time. Now the goals I want to achieve serve my family, to take care of what they need. I have become much more considerate of others, but also feel more connected to others as a result. I have become more aware of my place in society.
As a parent, you are constantly confronted, through your children, with traits and behaviours of your own that you would most like to keep them from. My impatience, for instance. A child tends to give up easily if something doesn't work right away. It is difficult to teach them not to give up, and not to do so yourself either. Because if tying the shoe laces still doesn't work after the umpteenth time, I sometimes think: never mind, we'll continue tomorrow. I try to be more patient.
The fact that I have changed roles also translates to how I interact with others. For instance, when I work with young or less experienced artists, I unconsciously act in the same way as when I communicate with my children: 'But you just don't listen either, that's not what I said. We'll start again.' Not that I am running around playing the father everywhere now, but it is an illustration of the fact that parenthood also seeps into the rest of your life.'
Primal feeling
What do you love about being a father?
As soon as you look at your baby and smell it, you experience a primal feeling - that cannot be described by humanly invented words. Being a father grounds me; I feel much more connected to the past and the future. Raising children feels very concrete and logical; for me it is the right thing to do. Even the difficult moments are beautiful, even if I slept badly one night. My life is no longer all about myself; I am at the service of others. That is a rich feeling.
In your book, it seems like your busy family even gives extra focus and drive for your work.
'Sure. I am a lazy workaholic. My family forces me to add more structure to my working day. I try to choose my creative expressions so that I can do my work at home or between business as much as possible. For example, I wrote this book very early in the morning, before my wife and children woke up. That way, my work does not have to come at the expense of my commitments to my family.'
New standards
Has parenthood also changed the maker in you?
'Yes, new norms and values are creeping into my work, because I am thinking more about what kind of society my children will soon live in. Of the raised finger I am not, I think it is important that people can escape daily reality in my work. But I also want to address social issues, such as the inequality in our society. For instance, in my book I write about my search for another house, which seems almost impossible, because housing has become so expensive that you are almost unable to live - and even then I am in the luxury of earning more than the minimum wage. I have also become more aware of social inequality based on gender in the last few years. Take the fact that initially paid men's football was allowed to continue in corona time, but paid women's football was not. SO embarrassing. I wish for my daughters that equality could be taken for granted.'
Uncertainty
Do you hope to show other young dads how much fun it is to take care of children?
'That would certainly be nice, but I started this book mainly because I wanted to write about my own fears and insecurities as a father. Like many other working parents, I suffer from constant guilt. My biggest fear is falling short as a parent, whether it is facilitating a home to being late for school to pick up my child. That's just part of parenthood, I think; writing about it allows me to release that insecurity a little. And I hope to show other fathers that it's okay to talk about such feelings as a man.'
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